When I returned to Ethiopia after years of residing abroad, a friend cautioned me on the altered rules of dating in Addis: "The most decent girl is likely to have just two partners, while the norm is three or more". According to my friend, there is one they "truly love"; another they go out clubbing with, and end up "twisting the night away" not just on the dance floor but also in pensions and hotel beds. The third is a cash cow to satisfy their enormous material and entertainment urges. The likely fourth - perhaps perceived as hitting the jackpot - is someone they hope would take them overseas.
 

But I did not give too much thought to my friend's warning, thinking that it was a gross generalisation and simply an attempt to dramatise a few isolated incidents. However, as the bad experience hit closer to home - not once but two or three times - I began to wonder if his assumption was more plausible than I initially was willing to acknowledge. And here is a firsthand experience that would perhaps compel me to subscribe to my friend's claim.
 

There was this girl I was introduced to through friends, and it did not take long for me to notice that she avoided a certain part of the city, namely Piazza, as a kind of war zone not to set a foot on. Her home was very close to Piazza, but she would rather meet me anywhere else in the city, no matter how far or how late. I began to question this strange behaviour. Sure enough, she had unfinished business with a guy from Piazza.
 

Another time, another place, I was driving this girl I had a couple of dates with when her mobile phone rang, and she clearly agonised to talk to a male caller. She apologised for staying out late, and assured him that she would be home soon. It did not take an eavesdropping private investigator to understand that the person on the other line could not be her worried and sleepless father.
 

Nonetheless, I asked her who it was to hear what she had to say, and her response was that it was an ex-boyfriend who would not leave her alone. I do not know which dating world she is from, but in my book an ex-boyfriend does not have a say on another ex's whereabouts. Needless to say, the signs indicated that she had a "skeleton in her closet", so I took the next exit before it was too late.
 

My third - and by far the most awful experience - is a relationship that lasted about five weeks with this girl who came across as sweet, innocent and down-to-earth. But she had a serious problem with her mobile use, which interestingly was always in "silent" mode. On weekend nights, she would not answer her phone at all. To make things worse, on a certain Friday night, her mobile was answered by a guy who "swore like a sailor", and furiously hang up on me without giving me the chance to ask who he was and why he was behaving the way he did.
 

Intrigued by this uncalled for incident, I decided to get to the bottom of it. And what came to light was that she was in a relationship all along. Not a "fly-by-night" relationship at that, but rather with someone who put a "promise ring" on her finger and opened a beauty salon for her. No wonder the poor guy got so incensed by the possibility of her having "another man" in her life. Little did he know, however, that I was not a wilful participant in a love triangle, but rather as much a victim as he was.
 

What I find interesting in this whole saga is that, when I disappointedly share my experience with my platonic female friends who follow my story like a soap opera, I see that they trivialise the issue as nothing new and way too common; laugh it off as something funny or, at best, they respond with a kind of "it is the economy, stupid!" rhetoric or "guys do it, too" justification, as if two wrongs make a right.
 

So much has changed for worse over the years, I am afraid. Despite the seemingly new form of religiousness among young people (bowing towards a church even from a taxi and kissing the fingers, and "fasting"), the erosion of family, religious and cultural values are all too visible. The value system that used to promote waiting until marriage to have sex is, arguably, long gone. What is more concerning, however, is the fact that being in a committed relationship seems to be losing its whole meaning and viewed as passé. 
 

That said, it is not just the moral or ethical decay that makes me shake my head in utter disbelief, but also the lack of appreciation for health and social risks. I often wonder if the promiscuous people practicing loose sexual behaviour have ever heard the acronym HIV/Aids?
 

But they undoubtedly have. Who has not! If anything, the problem is that people have heard about the pandemic so much to the point of becoming too desensitised to the risk. Furthermore, I suspect that in the "you can live with AIDS" well-intended motto there may be the ever-present possibility of unintended consequences.
 

While lifting up the spirit of the most stigmatised segment of society and giving them a glimpse of hope and reason to live is something that needs to be applauded, caution has to be exercised that the impact of AIDS is not being downplayed. The "testing positive for HIV/Aids does not equal death sentence" feel good message should not overshadow the disease's devastating effect on victims, their families and society at large. And it is primarily the role of health workers, educators, the media and people of influence to send out well balanced information on this vital issue.
 

Faith groups have an important role to play, too. Instead of demonising another faith or condemning young people for switching to a different denomination, they should use their tremendous influence to tackle this common moral and social problem with overwhelming impact on personal, family, and community health.  
 

We really need attitude adjustment in our thinking, family lives and communities. Men - especially those with money and power - have to weigh their actions when it comes to relationships. While having gorgeous girls with perfect bodies on one's side may be fun while it lasts, its harmful personal as well as societal impact could certainly be long-lasting. There is indeed the danger of cash or gift in exchange for intimacy culture being accepted as a norm. Thus, when the urge to lure young girls with financial and material offers arises, one has to stop and think about the long-term consequence. 
 

Chances are, a girl used to living the high life is not going to settle for a "nine-to-five" and monthly paying job when her fantasy-like world crumbles before her very eyes. The only option she sees left could be officially joining a life of prostitution - be it in her country or abroad. Not surprisingly, this pattern could turn Addis into an international sex-trade capital.
 

And that possibility does not appear to be that far off. As we see all around us, European and Middle Eastern men in mid or late life crisis are publicly and proudly displaying their trophy girlfriends young enough to be their daughters, if not granddaughters. And since "what goes around, comes around" the seeds we are helping plant today or our indifference to the emerging potential crisis may come back to haunt us if or when - God forbid - our daughters of tomorrow become the next victims of our action or inaction today.
 

As for those materialised women, it is time that they learn to restrain the desire to live beyond one's means and put a cap on the obsession with material things, which is the main culprit for practically selling one's body to the highest bidder - native or foreigner. They really have to keep in mind that they are role models for their younger siblings and daughters who are likely to follow on their footsteps.
 

Finally, let us all live and promote personal, family, religious and cultural values that champion committed and monogamous relationships.