I have always been a bit cautious about writing on sexuality in this column. And this is not because I feel the topic to be taboo - I am far from inclined towards this feeling - but rather because many nice people who know my parents are avid readers of this space. But had it not been for a particular incident this past week, I would probably have continued my silence and lived in that somewhat childlike bubble.

I do not know how the rest of you were raised, but it is not like I sat down over the dinner table with my parents and talked sex. I will admit that they were more liberal than most and spoke casually of subjects such as boyfriends and the horrible S word, but as a kid it sort of made you uncomfortable and it is not like you want to sit and chat with your ‘old’ parents about this.

Whether or not I got this at home I at least had a school environment that taught it freely and spoke about it in just about every aspect and dimension from the biological to the social and abstract. We were never once under the impression that sexuality and all the things that it entailed were in the least bit bad.

There are of course silent rules that come with practicing physicality and the first one that you learn even before you stick your toe in the lake is keep your mouth shut. Now here I am thinking that people my age and older would be more aware of this fact, but lo and behold, Addis has yet another harsh lesson she wants to teach me. This lovely and polluted governess of ours has over the last three years time and time again taught me a lesson so harsh that it has led me to make this assertion: In an Abesha society, sexuality comes hand in hand with gossip. They are like two peas in a pod or the Ying and Yang: inseparable.

I have always made it a rule that whatever a person’s sexual preference, that is their business. Whether they choose to be promiscuous, virginal, monogamous, bisexual, I mean whatever floats their boat is between them and the powers that be. It is neither my place to judge others nor my place to be judged. I mean in whatever manner that it is practiced, sexuality, in addition to being carnal, is also very private and always undisclosed.

Tell that to the nice folks out here in this lovely and scandal-mongering city of ours. It is as though each and every person is entitled to be judge and jury about another’s sexual persuasions. What is that all about? I appreciate the fact that men, being the creatures that they are must go out and yell of their conquests from the highest roof tops, but I mean, must we go into the gory details and tell our friends which girl I did and how? Let us be adult about this. What is the point really?

This is why people end up trying to have to hide who they really are. Locally, there is an amusing term for it, “mask meletef” (literally to glue on a mask). People are so aware of the nature of those that they are surrounded by that they go to unbelievable lengths to hide what they should have the liberty to do in public. And if there are some out there bold enough to flaunt their sensuality in front of the whole town, guess what happens; they are made social lepers by that little thing called gossip.

Now this would be well and good if it did not have a more dire long-term effect on the people that are being talked about (incidentally that includes anyone that has any sort of public liaison, whether short or long term).

A lot of times, much of the talk that goes on is mainly half-truths. The people that begin the gossip are mostly doing so for their own benefit or simply to harm others, so there is always a little spice added.

Now when the rumours spread and when they are circulated long enough, the person that is spoken about often loses a degree of respect with their peers and those in the more public social circles. And to make it worse, they play a victimized role and sort of slowly detach themselves from the ‘circles’.

The second cardinal rule of exercising your sexual appetite is that if you will not talk about it in public, then you better not do it in private. And let me tell you with the amount of talk that goes on in this country, you better be equipped to leave it.

But the bottom line is if you do not have a thick skin, you are better off living like a hermit. Or there are always other options.